100 Most Amazing Things on Earth!

100Lobster robotsThe Office of Naval Research has developed an 18-inch-long robo-lobster to to roam the ocean floor in search of mines, divers in need of rescue and mermaids looking for hot crustacean love. Its oval paddles and tail allow it to maneuver in places in which human beings would get stuck and die. Such as shipwrecks and Star Jones’ belly button. 99Las Vegas98Condoms97Donald Trump’s hairWhy does a man worth $2.5 billion settle for looking as if Paris Hilton’s merkin died on his head?96Velcro95BBQ grills94The Great White disasterA simple thing like faulty pyrotechnics caused 100 Rhode Island clubgoers to die in a horrible blaze. Amazing…that 100 people paid to see a Great White show.93Bang caps92T-shirt bazookas91Roger ClemensWhat’s more amazing than winning 310 games and six Cy Young awards? Being a dick! (PS: The bile contained herein has nothing to do with our being based in New York.) 90Pinkie toesWhy do we have them? We don’t need them, but they are still there. We’re tired of them taking up valuable room in our socks, so let’s just chop the damn things off! Unngh! Man, that was such a bad idea.89Arnold Schwarzenegger’s and Maria Shriver’s facesEither Governor Grabass and Lady Skeletor have had way too much plastic surgery or they haven’t had enough. Imagine if they were your parents, and those faces were the last thing you saw as you were being tucked in. You’d have terrible nightmares. But you’d also be really rich, so quit your bellyaching, rich boy!88SharksWhat up, miracles of evolution? You say that the most amazing things about you are that you can swim as fast as 60 mph (makos), live up to 100 years (whale sharks) and even survive in fresh water (bull sharks)? Fair enough. But negative points for eating that surfer girl’s arm. (And, yes—don’t look down—we’re talking to you, Mr. Tiger Shark!)87YeastWe’re not sure precisely what it is, but this magical substance has the power to help make beer and bread and to induce vaginal infections. And who among us can boast a résumé like that?86Fireflies85One-eyed goats 84OxyContinNicknamed hillbilly heroin, this opium-derived painkiller had the power to cripple both Jack Osbourne and Rush Limbaugh. It’s so habit-forming, in fact, that we’ve developed an addiction just by writing about it. Do you have any? We’ll suck yo’ dick for a hit!83Icebergs82Hair plugs81Ascots80David BlaineWhat’s amazing about a magician who lies in a box for weeks doing absolutely nothing? That anyone gives a shit. But by mentioning it, don’t we give a shit? Damn you, Blaine, and your wizardly ways!79Sand78Lint brushes77The platypus The egg-laying, web-footed, four-chamber-hearted, duck-billed platypus just doesn’t fit in. But he makes up for not having any friends by being poisonous! Go on with your venomous self, Ducky!76Bottle openers75Dippin’ Dots ice cream74The three-toed slothThis lazy South American thingie is amazingly slow. In fact, it is listed as the world’s slowest mammal, clocking in at an average ground speed of six to eight feet per minute. Looks like they don’t refer to sedentary behavior as slothlike for nothing! It’d be funny if they did, though.73The Aquada carEvading the police during a high-speed chase just got a whole lot more creative with this amphibious car. It can drive on land. It can float on water. The only thing this car can’t do is explain to the police why you were carrying $40 million worth of stolen diamonds. Stupid car.72The Electric BraeThings that roll down this hill in Scotland appear to roll up it. Some say it’s an optical illusion due to the odd alignment of the hill and the road, but we think it’s the devil’s work.71The most pierced woman on earth70The OfficeWe’re pretty sure this fake documentary about office life is the funniest show on TV. However, since this is a British show, the heavy accents make us worry. What if this is, in fact, a hard-hitting drama?69Tropf’ Nix No-Drip PopsicleAfter years of waiting, Germany has finally produced a product on par with Wiener schnitzel. Using wine gum, this Popsicle droops but never, ever drips. Like Grandpa!68Bodies found in glaciersAs glaciers morph, scientists keep finding cool stuff that’s frozen and perfectly preserved in the ice. Stuff like the Bronze Age Man, who got his ass frozen more than 4,000 years ago. Hear that, Bronze Age Woman? He wasn’t dodging your calls after you refused to let him touch your boob on the first date—he was dead!673-D imagingToshiba has developed technology that will let you see 3-D images without wearing 3-D glasses. How? Science! Speaking of science, we once saw Captain Eo at Disney World and it gave us a chubby. 66Low-rider-jeans–inflicted girl crack65Carbonation64VolcanoesThe world’s most active lava barfer is Hawaii’s Mt. Kilauea, which has been doing it nonstop since 1983. It has destroyed 189 homes but has also added 544 acres to the island. So give it a break. 63The moonIt’s so cool that President Bush wants to send astronauts back there. Guess Cheney convinced him that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction hidden there, too. (Political humor rules!)62Contortionists61The longevity geneNow that scientists know what makes people live longer, they’ll be able to cure such age-related snafus as strokes. Hurry, dudes, we just hoovered a bag of baking soda. Our dealer is the pits!60Franklin Mint plates59Submarines58The Invisibility CloakUsing video projection, this cloak turns its wearer into a human chameleon. (Minus the forked tongue and penchant for doing whatever it is that chameleons do.)57Ratbear56Drone spy planes55Guns that shoot around cornersThey can swivel 63 degrees left or right and kill whoever is there. Hear that? It’s the Second Amendment weeping with pride.54Jeremiah: The Complete First Season DVDMGM Home Entertainment thinks someone on planet Earth is willing to pay $80 to own it. That’s amazingly wishful thinking, MGM!53Microwavable kettle corn52Hair extensions51The universal remote50Trapper Keepers49Gravity48The FifiThe miracle of life? Big deal. A prisoner-crafted vagina made from hand towels, rubber gloves, socks and a little bit of lubrication? Huge deal! Is there anything prisoners can’t do? You know, besides vote. 47The common coldIt’s unbeatable! It’s unshakable! Scientists can’t figure out how to kill the damn thing. Part of the problem is that it comes in all different shapes and sizes—like our nipples. 46Photocopiers45Veronica Varekova44Snow43The ear pillThis experimental drug might not only preserve your hearing, but it might also repair past damage. Better update your résumé, earplugs. Holy shit! Our earplugs have a better résumé than we do!42The semicolonWe like semicolons; using them isn’t hard at all. And using them to separate elements in a series of related phrases is what all the cool kids do. But like smoking pot, it can lead to harder punctuation. ;-(41Toilet bowls40The RobosapienScrew the Mars Rover! This $100 robot farts and belches. It can also dance, pick up items and rap, which makes it the greatest robot of all time. Sorry, C-3PO, you’re just too formal!39The Cassowary Anyone who still thinks that birds aren’t the direct ancestors of dinosaurs has obviously never taken a gander at this power-lifting parakeet. Reaching a length of six and a half feet, this flightless fiend enjoys attacking prey with a slashing claw. It’s also, like, superendangered—which should totally increase the value of the cassowary we recently posted on eBay. 38The Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren37In-flight movies on demandPicking our own entertainment at 38,000 feet is fantastic. And don’t even get us started on how wet those FASTEN SEAT BELTS signs get us.36TiVo35Deja View CamwearThis tiny DV camera can clip onto a pair of glasses and allows you to record 30 seconds to a cell phone–size recorder. Perfect for doing things—some legal ones, even!34Automatic hammers33Ice-cream conesThey’re a precursor to taco-salad bowls in the “dinnerware you can eat” category. Imagine a world where all dishes were edible…and where our mother returned our phone calls. Sigh.32GPSThis navigation system made its debut during the Gulf War, when it helped guide missiles into enemies’ camps. Now it’s doing really important things, like not getting us lost on the way to Dairy Queen.31X-rays30Chainsaw juggling29Caffeine28Charlie the ParrotThis 104-year-old British macaw parrot is balding, likes to dance and says, “Fuck Hitler.” You would, too, if you were once owned by Winston Churchill. Dance, that is.27Carbon datingThe ability of scientists to pinpoint how many million years old a brontosaurus turd is makes us squeal with delight. (Like the time we thought we saw a flash of Uncle Jesse’s bush on Full House.) 26Conjoined twins25Low-carb beerWith carbohydrates having been declared weapons of mass asses, we enjoy this new slew of brews guilt-free. So when we drink a few, we feel no remorse about cutting up a former colleague into tiny pieces and burying him in the backyard.24Big metal boatsLogic tells us that if you drop a 97,000-ton hunk of steel into the ocean, it will sink to the bottom. But it doesn’t. Way to lie to us, logic! About the boats and pulling out. 23Theelectrocuting jacketThe No Contact Jacket administers an 80,000-volt shock that’ll zap a nagging bum—or Carrot Top—for aggressively asking for food.22Yao Ming21Tunnels20The instant-boiling mugJetboil has created a system that boils water in 90 seconds. A handy camping tool, it’s also a conversation piece. Talk about instant miso soup or, if you’re feeling crazy, coffee!19The orgasm machineDr. Stuart Meloy has developed a device that, after implantation, delivers the big O with a push of a button. Oprah Winfrey shows up at the push of a button? Awesome!18Scissors17Military dolphinsThese aquatic mercenaries used to get all up in our fishing nets, but they’ve redeemed themselves by aiding our military in detecting mines. They also make cool squeaky noises. Especially when they’re kept in perpetual captivity!16The NanoguitarThe world’s smallest guitar is about the size of a human blood cell and was built to show off the complex world of microelectromechanical devices—but what isn’t, these days? 15Glue14Bunker bustersThese muthas possess power equal to half that of the A-bomb, but they take out mountains instead of nations. Surgical strikes have never been more surgical-er!13Puppetry12The iTunes Music StoreYou can rock out to “Footloose” on a whim without fear of the MP3 police busting down your door. And you can’t beat the 99-cents-a-song price tag. Well, unless it were 98 cents. 11Hypnosis10LeatherKnowing that our jacket is somehow affiliated with hamburgers makes us happy. But if you think killing animals for clothing is wrong, then stick to wearing your nylon shirts and faux-baby-skin slacks.9ATMs8The Transrapid trainUsing electromagnetic levitation, the Shanghai Transrapid train goes really, really fast, all the while floating half an inch above its track. And here we thought the only fun thing to do with magnets was erase our roommate’s collection of Yes, Dear VHS tapes.7Internet betting6Showers5Earthquakes4The Tornado in a CanThe Windhexe forces compressed air into a tall steel funnel to produce winds that pulverize anything they meet. Including our in-laws. Thanks, Tornado in a Can!3Amateur porn2Air-show crashes 1The plastic thingies that keep pizza boxes off of pizza